Channelling fear into focus

Over the past few months Michael and I have experienced a ton of changes... We moved into our new basement suite in August, where it was finally just the two of us (no roommates), a new semester started up for Michael, I switched jobs (more than once), etc. Thinking back to when I lived back in the mission with my ex-rommate Sophie, yes my life didn't seem to change as much. I stayed in the same apartment for over a year, I had the same fulltime job for over a year, but for some reason I remember having way more worries and fearful thoughts than I have had within these few month of extreme change.

The beginning of my personal release of constant fear started on the day I quit my job as a personal assistant. I quit without giving any notice. I called her from the emergency room explaining that after loosing 13 pounds due to skipping many many meals and working way too much overtime, I felt it was more than past due time to take a bit of time for myself. The fearful me would have never let me do this. The fearful me would've asked so many questions about where I would work, and how I would make that kind of money somewhere else in Kelowna... The fearful me would have forced me to retract back into my usual state of obedience: I do this job because I need this money. Luckily for me, the fearful me was not in control whilst I was in the hospital. The fearful me was perhaps to weak to speak, as I sat in the emergancy room for 4 hours plus, waiting for the doctors to educate me on what I can do to bring myself to a state where I felt strong enough to lift my ribcage, neck and head. In that space of weakness, a very brave part of my spoke out. A part of me that understood that more than being good at work, and being a good empoyee, I deserved to be able to take a portion of each day for myself as well. I thought of the idea of not having to compromise all of the hours in the day to my job. I thought of the idea of having a job that still allowed me to make plans with my creative friends, and also independant creative side. My expectations were not unrealistic.

Three days later I was offered a position I misinterpreted as an opportunity. The pay cut was major, but my fearful side had strengthened over my few days off, and I settled for it. Instantaniously, I was battling the feelings of being commited to something I had no desire to be commited to. Once again, for the sake of money, I was torturing my soul, as I'd done so many times before. For 3 months I fought with myself on a daily basis, hating my career, but being too fearful to do anything about it until finally, I did something huge.

I quit on the spot, in the office, looking straight into the bosses eyes. Something I'd never done before. I had never worked in a work environment where I felt so ridiculed/misunderstood. I worked in a office with a cynical old man that had no problem telling me that he d lost all passion in life years ago. I went home for work feeling so creatively drained and depressed I was unable to anything relatively creative. On my last day there, said coworker crossed the line by physically tapping me on the back to "talk to me" in his very overly agressive way. I panicked and jumped up to leave the room, as I assume any human would in a situation where she felt completely uncomfortable by being touched by someone against their concent. He tried to block me, in confrontation, unaware of my strength, internal or external. He hit the wall heavily as I pushed him out of my way whilst running for the door. I briefly blacked out during the process. I ran as fast as I could to the shop, unable to breath. I was having my third panic attack. I knew instantaniously. Repeatedly murmuring "keep him away from me" whilst jittering so much I could no longer stand, I sat up against one of the mechanics cars to stabilize myself. The mechanics presence alone was all I needed, as I they told me to breath, reminding me I was not alone and they were there to help me. I sat there for 15 or 20 minutes, my hands completely numb to the point of no feeling. It was in that state of breathlessness that everything made sense to me. No, I will not loose my mind working in a toxic work environment with people that have no understanding of me as a human being. And yes, I would trust in the universe to show me what is right for me., How to make money in a way that nourishes my soul and does not rid me of my personality. No more conforming. It was then that I walked into the office, found the boss, and quite.

FREEDOM.

As I drove home I called one of the local labor companies I had worked for when I first moved to Kelowna. I had a good experience there, where I felt respected and appreciated for my contribution to the work place. We chuckled over the phone as they'd remembered me from 2 years earlier when I'd done some casual work for their company. I notified them I'd be in the office bright and early, ready for some placement. Things felt right, and instantly better.

Sure enough I was placed on a site to do some landscaping the following day. I was so happy to be outside, contributing to a beautiful project. The yard we were landscaping was for a low-income housing development that had recently been built. I hit it off with the foreman, and other staff of the landscaping company, without even knowing they all worked together ( there were lots of people through several different companies on the site). At the end of the day, the owner of the company hired me on the spot, asking me if I would come back and work for him directly. Thank you universe!

Since this amazing adventure, I have learned to fear less, and trust more. An audiobook I listened to a fewe weeks ago said something that really spoke to me: Trust the universe, and the universe will be there for you. I think that my story above is the perfect example of just this! So take a load off, and trust that life will be there for you if you can just show up and smile as if it was the end of the world and your smile was all you had left.

<3

Photos by Conor Teahen