What commitment has shown me

It was 2013 when I did my first photoshoot. I remember the first 2 very clearly. The looks and themes were dramatic, both pin up looking. It seems like so long ago, but time has flown since then. I look at those photos now and I still see baby fat on my face. I can't believe how young I look, in comparison to how aged and worn down by life I had been feeling internally. The body really is an amazing thing. I lived in Toronto for both of my first two photoshoots. I had moved there with dreams that were beyond me. I was a tiny girl in a huge city. I stayed for 4 months. Living there must have been one of the hardest things I've ever done to myself, and hopefully one of the hardest things I will do. Life is too short for suffering. It is only long enough for love.

Toronto was a reality check for me. My eyes were opened. I became aware of the large nature of the world and was massively discouraged by it. I felt like a tadpole in a pond of toads. I felt like the smallest amongst the large. Unprepared and uncertain. Despite my deep internal feelings I was able to search my way into a couple music videos as a background performer, and also as a main in a music video as well. I did the two photoshoots spoken of at the beginnng, but felt set back from modelling shortly after receiving an offer to advance greatly in the modelling world if only I were to have sex with said "agent" whenever need be. He said he knew everyone. I spitefully rejected the offer before regrouping within to take some time and figure out what my real intentions were going to be with modelling.

Towards the end of my time in Toronto I suffered from a severe panic attack. It started on a public underground subway, where I lost vision for prolonged intervals and felt my feet caving out beneath me. The pressures of the world crumbled upon the shoulders of a severly discouraged 18 year old individual. Life was not as assumed, if there had ever even been any assumption of what her life would be. The world spun all around me and I grasped for my breathe as if I would soon lose it, which I soon did. I called my oldest sister as I knew she'd had similar experiences. Through the breathes that I couldn't find I cried to her the ocean of things I was feeling. Its important to know that at the beginning of my modelling career I was really more just focused on the fortunate nature of my survival and current earthly presence. I was searching for an artistic way of expression. I needed to lift the load of the weight of the world off my shoulders and pass some of the whys onto the rest of the world. I spent 7 years in a fifth world country. With age, all knowledge of culture and standards of living will only become more applicable over here in Canada. The panic attack kept me in bed for 3 days. I rose sore, as if my body had taken a beating and with a better understanding of how my stress levels can impact everyday life.

Exhuasted from an overstimulated childhood of change and emotion, I searched to create a world that better reflects ME. I will never be able to speak for others, but for myself, I want all things to be clear. I have grown to a new level of expression over the years, and commitment has shown me how much growth is possible. What started as a simple means of expression has blossomed into a career in creativity. By simply allowing myself to express and release any supression from within I have grown a label. I have started a brand that is known for its creative content and surprises. Always creating, coordinating, or projecting a vision. Commitment has brought me the gift of stability. I understand that as more people learn what I am, what I am becomes more solidified.

Photos by Rob Holden ( February 2013) Collage by me.