Identity

The home where Mike and I rest our heads also holds a hot-tub, which I love. Whilst I was sitting out in the hot tub during a break from designing today, I had a realization about people and their identities. I feel as though when I was younger I used to think the things I did and the places I did would make me. As if, once my dreams come true, the feelings of contentment and satisfaction would follow. I think this is a common train of thought. As if my dreams of success and contentment and fulfillment would magically be cast upon me. As if I would know how to respond to being happy 24/7. As If I would know what that feels like.

As I got older and I did more things, met more people, I realized my identity is not that way. My identity projects who I am throughout the things I do. It will never be the things I do. I've learned I can't escape who I am. What will one day make me, could also break me. What good will everything that I want be in front of me if I have no idea how to enjoy or appreciate it? Who am I, as an individual, and how does that impact everyday, and in summary, my life and the world around me? What does every day feel like?

When I lived in the Caribbean there were only a select number of families that were there like my family was (in the country for missions). In particular there was one family from the US we seemed to bond with quite well. The family was quite large, like mine. They had 5 of their own, and their house was known as a safe space for anyone who needed it. They lived farther away from us than some of the other families; in the mountains. As I grew up it seemed as though our families spent more and more time together, until one day when something absolutely tragic happened. One day the news came, The husband of the family would be leaving them all, for a native woman he had been having an affair with. I don't know if I will ever forget the devastation that came with the silence. In between every unspoken word lie a feeling of unknowing. Distance. Separation.

The worst of all is that all the feelings and remorse spoken of were my own. I can't speak for those directly involved, as I do not know what they felt, or how they responded. All I saw and witnessed was silence. Is this who we become or will we always be who we were born to be? What impacts our decisions and what retreats us back to the truth? Perhaps it is simply too much for the mind, to sit down and try to make sense of this. Somewhere throughout it all I find myself plummeting back to identity. I wondered how HE thought of himself. What had his life become? What decisions had he wished he'd revised many years ago, so much so he revised them years later? What finally caused all to come to a boil? , Sadly we both know I will most likely never get a chance to ask any of those questions ( and if I was given the chance I would probably be too awkward to know how to approach the situation.)

I can't make decisions for others, but others prove to me time and time again, the importance of my decisions upon myself and the world around me. I don't take the choices i make lightly, or the reasons I do things discreet. I live with as much intention as possible, with the understanding in mind that my intention is more important than the physical act itself. I've realized that it is my identity, and my character that determines how people know and think of me. The things that I do during my time, career wise and otherwise might increase traffic and interest towards me, however those things will always remain nothing more than tools of transportation to help me to get closer to where I need to be.

Who we wake up to be in the morning may make us or break us. It depends on our intentions, state of mind, hopes, desires, dreams, and expectations. At a time when it seems the world could not be moving more quickly, it seems I cannot find enough time to reflect on my decisions. Everything matters.

Stay safe my friends. All we can do is try our best to be the best version of our current selves. Change is inevitable but our response to it will highlight who we are as individuals, Take the time to know who you are while your still you and before there are other people being impacted by your decisions.

Photo credit to Danielle Nicol <3