Save Yourself

Last night as I sit in the hottub before bed, soaking in the warm chemicals and reflecting on the creative day, my thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a fly that flew headfirst into the water in front of me. It struggled and for some reason I felt the will to save it. I reached under the water with my right hand and lifted the sinking fly to the surface. It regained momentum and was able to fly away from the water. I was relieved. I don't know why I felt so empathetic towards the fly. I watched as I wanted to ensure it's freedom. It was a close call. It flew around the canopy area for a while. I assumed its safety and indulged back into my thoughts.

Moments later I hear a flickering and I look to the canopy tip above me (the hottub is enclosed by a canopy) to see the (same) fly caught in the web above. A set of green lights line the rim of the canopy top to give some night light and atmosphere. A big spider who I assume has lived there a while has webbing covering most of the top of the canopy. Each independent bulb is covered in webbing, stopping bugs from hovering too close to the lights. The fly tousled & turned in the web. Moments later, the spider submerged from a dark corner of the canopy tip to wrap the fly and prep it for dinner. I watch the spider for the next ten minutes as it wraps the fly in webbing & carries it back up to its dark corner.

So many thoughts go through my head as I watch & contribute to this entire process. Would it have been better to have just let the fly die in the first place? Did I just witness a miniature real life example of the process of elimination? I think no, the fly dying in the hot tub would have done no good to anyone. The fly dying in the web to me is a more justified death as it then serves a purpose (the spider can eat and benefit from its intelligence). I think about this process in comparison to the fashion & model industry. I think about this process in comparison to people.

There have been times I've tried to lend a helping and hand and felt like my efforts were totally wasted. I've realized that I can't put so much effort into helping individuals. Everyone is doing their own thing. If they need me, they know where to find me. I need to keep it light, keep it airy. I can present the opportunities, but I need to be more aware that not everyone will be in the right mind set to want to part take ; regardless of what they say they want, regardless of where they say they're going. I realize we are all on different parallels. It's sad for me to see & hear people talk about what holds them back, the lesser parts of themselves. I wish they could see that my only intention is acceptance. I want to understand & accept my fellow clients & collaborators. Best case scenario is the the feeling would be mutual. I really feel that it is acceptance that put us at ease. I feel most relaxed & in my own skin when I feel accepted .

Looking forward I realize I can be of contribution only by example/inspiration. I find a bit of power in this thought process because it puts an emphasis on my contribution. I can do more. I can do better. Knowing I have inspired a fellow artist is one of the most satisfying feelings to me. I realize that is enough for me, and I strive to continue to be inspired so that others can feel inspired too. I also realize that whether or not anyone else feels inspired, I will do what drives and inspires me.

Photo credit to Paul Dyson: https://www.flickr.com/photos/american-psycho-uk/