September Fizzle

I say fizzle because the month is coming to an end but there are lots of new and exciting ideas stemming and coming into existence from it. Kind of like a plant shedding seeds, I look back on the 30 days of September seeing a strong sense of foundation, stronger than any other month before. When I say foundation I am referring to core mental thoughts that reassure me of why I do the things I do and help me to continue to do those things without anxiety or fear.

I've really had a lot of time to think this past September, and I'd like to think I've found some sort of mental stability through the process. I won't give credit to the past month alone, the past year I have felt both refreshed and awakened by thoughts and ideas on desires and lifestyle choices. It must have been at least 3 years ago when I took out my notepad and jotted down a couple words that would change my life forever: "what do you want?"

It wasn't like I was unhappy. I wasn't. I was happier than I had ever been but I was growing and learning everyday and I needed to continue to create a space that could allow me to do the things that helped me to open my mind. Whatever they may be. I remember when I used to live in Kelowna I used to love to head to the swing set on lake shore that sat directly in front of the lake. I would swing as high as possible and then plank my body completely, holding on super tightly. Closing my eyes and inhaling an adrenaline that could compare with that of a roller coaster, I felt alive, and full of thoughts and inspirations in those moments. I was old when I did that.

I had a job I liked, everyone I worked with was a friend to me, my schedule was relaxed, and I had more than enough time for fun. Regardless of all of this, I had feelings that I could overall do more in life, and be more. Doing what I do is what makes me who I am. If I didn't model, people would not know this of me. If I did not design, people would not know this either. I find a certain freedom that comes from doing things because I feel passionate about them and genuinely want to do them. I felt that I was spending too much time contributing to someone else's vision. I felt anxiety from the feeling of wanting/needing to be two places at the same time. One place for financial foundation, one place for mental reassurance.

I'm so grateful for the moment I decided it was not vain to seek to understand yourself physically and mentally in depth, despite my dads echo's on my shoulders, heavy with guilt. I overrode the thoughts of guilt with thoughts of ambition and integrity. : To seek out and conquer my deepest and darkest memories so that I might understand forces and entities beyond me and what causes them to act out as they do. Forces and entities forced upon me, but even more so, being forced upon others. The further I travel from my past, the more of it I see. The past two weeks have unlocked many memories that are brand new. I have been remembering many things for the first time since they're occurrence. This is really monumental to me. I don't think I'm accessing any new parts of the brain, but perhaps exercising different thought processes that help me to come at things from new angles.

Photo credit to Mark Reierson.

Downtown YYC.

I made this dress.